Part Three – The Fire

Continued from last post.

It is in the fire that the black smith can mold, bend, and hammer iron into shape.

Since the begging of 2008 God has plunged me into the fire melting things away from me leaving only a desperate burning I can’t even explain for Jesus and a strong desire for the School of Ministry at Bethel.
One of the first things he took away was college. I always said I would never go into debt for college so at the end of the fall semester of 2008 I looked at my budget and realized I had no money for school the next semester. I prayed about it and felt like I should stop going to school. For those who know me, I hate leaving things half finsihed. I was almost a senior in college, just one and half more years till I would get that diploma and here I was stopping. I felt stupid, like a quitter, and fighting lies that I wasted the past few years in school. Jesus had to do a work in my heart and is still dealing with the fear of man in my life. It was test, would I give into those feelings of being a failure or would I obey His word without a logical explanation or an end in sight? I chose Him and started pursuing the only thing on my heart at the time, theater and acting.
I was still leading youth at the time and that wouldn’t end till May of 2010, but I knew after that God was going to do something big for me. I knew after pouring my heart and soul into my girls it would be my time for something that God had planned. I was just waiting to see what it would be.
Spring of 2009 was my first semester off from school. At the time I was dating a tall, dark, and handsome man named Brendon! We had dated for over a year at that point. I loved him so much… but there was a check in my spirit I would not acknowledge. Something deep within me that I wouldn’t even allow my mind to form into a thought; that I was not going to marry him right then, that our time for now was coming to a close. I fought that fleeting feeling with every fiber of my being. I wanted to marry him. I knew God was doing a great work in my heart and in Brendon’s heart but for some reason I knew He needed to do it in us as single people. I could see Brendon and I growing closer to God but further apart from each other even though we were crazy about each other. I figured a wedding would fix it. I wanted to control everything, I wanted to “fix” Brendon and ignore all my faults. But Jesus would let me live that way. He kept bringing to the surface things He wanted to pull out of me such as the spirit of control, fear and worry. Six hard months later after some really tough realizations I was so desperate for God because everything else was falling apart I finally got on my knees and put my relationship with Brendon into God’s hands. Exactly one week later Brendon and I mutually agreed to separate. It was the best and sweetest break ups anyone has heard about! Jesus had revealed to Brendon we needed to be separated as well so we took a whole weekend and enjoyed our relationship, apologized for anything in the past, laughed and cried about the good and bad times, and left each other in God’s hands. I have never felt so empty. I know I am never alone or empty because Jesus fills me, but at that moment I thought my insides were ripped out and all I had in me were tears. In my eyes the world had ended. But it is in the fire that the Smith can mold the iron into the shape it wants. God was putting me in the fire and hammering away to form me into whom he created me to be in the first place.
The summer and fall of 2009 is by far the hardest time of my thus far. Jesus wrecked my life, in a good yet painful way. He purged me and changed me so much that summer I would wake up one morning and come home that night a totally different person. I learned that summer God hears my prayers. He did everything I asked; I asked him to change me, shake me, and purge me of things that were not of Him, and most of all just give me more of Himself. I would get on my face and cry out for Him to do His worst knowing in just a few hours something would happen to test me; but it was his presence I craved so intensely I would walk through anything just to be close to Him. It was the most extreme transformation I have ever experienced and it happened because I kept asking God to put me through hell so I could see more of His glory. I just want to reflect Him. I wish I could take the time to explain to everyone what God did in me but that would take too much time, too many words, and I think it is just for me and Jesus. I will say that I started praying in tongues last summer and I highly recommend it for anyone who wants to edify themselves. It was a huge part of what totally transformed me; allowing the Holy Ghost to pray God’s will over me and through me; it is one of the best things a Christians can do.
During the time Jesus was stripping everything away from me He was also revealing his perfect plan.

To be continued.